nisacara

Id forgotten about this page...

Too bad. I rather enjoy reading people's posts.

Anyway, no one probably checks here any more but if they do...

The date of the move has been pushed out. Not sure exactly when yet (maybe the 30th, if the sellers accept what Nicole and Paul offered- they had wanted us to push out to the 6th or the 10th) But moving it to August makes the escrow cost a LOT more for Nicole and Paul. And it's totally inconvenient.

Frankly, I'll believe we're moving when they sign the final papers. This is just like the way Medallion was: yay, I'm excited, I'm getting published, I'm... dropped?

At least this isn't falling through 100%, just being really fucking irritating.

::grumble::

I started to put stuff away this afternoon. Not pack yet. I was going to, but then I heard that news. ::sigh::

Gonna go put together the recycling for tomorrow now.

-Nisacara

I posted ABOUT this on my livej, but I figured I'd posted the actual conversation so I have it saved somewhere.

ADRIENNE: i got a pass from Tor today
_me_: sad :-(
ADRIENNE: they thought the writing was fair but the editor wished you had executed it differently
_me_: Which means?
ADRIENNE: she said the characterization was off
ADRIENNE: you could tell that she had given it a good read and didn't just browse it
_me_: that's encouraging
ADRIENNE: which even though it's a pass it's a good sign
_me_: So what does characterization being off mean? That they didnt stay in character through out?
_me_: (looking for what might need revamping)
ADRIENNE: i think she envisioned them differently
ADRIENNE: i wouldn't read too much into the rejection
_me_: fair enough
_me_: Has it been passed by anyone else lately? Or is it still out and about?
ADRIENNE: it's still with Razorbill, Harper, and Hyperion
ADRIENNE: no other recent passes
_me_: ::nod::
_me_: they all have the revision?
ADRIENNE: yes ma'am
_me_: good heh
_me_: ^_^

I like Tor, too. :( Too bad.

-Nisacara

So tonight, I was compiling book titles from YA vampire fiction. I want to sellout. I think it would be nice. ^_^ Basically, as I read a comment early that said “I'd happily sell out if anyone was buying”, I am gonna try it.

I need to get this writing career thing back in high gear. Because for god’s sake! I’m a fucking wreck without it. I miss it. It’s been nice not having it around, because I’ve been free to do other things. But frankly, “other things” means… nothing. Sure, I see my friends a lot. But that does not pay my bills. Or make me feel like an accomplished person. I’m an underachiever with no direction in life and no potential future…but I have friends! ^_^

I can’t feasibly go back to school, so I have to turn back to writing. And I need to write like whoa.

Anyway, I took a break from this YA title hunting (in an effort to uncover what makes a “catchy” title, and maybe make one of my own), to log my SparkPeople stuff.

And ended up making the following motivational tools:

This is me now…. and me then. Or Future Me.


This is my not-so-sexy right… and my soon-to-be-sexy right.


This is my not-so-sexy left… and my too-hot-for-words curvy left.


This is my fat ass walkin’ away…. And this is you hatin’ to see me go, but lovin’ to watch me leave ^_~



For those of you interested in making your own, cause I know a couple of you are on the “skinny train! Woo-woo!” (no, Shannon, cheesy as it was, I laughed.) Go here: preventionweightloss.mvm.com

That should bring you to the page to do it!

I had an hour and twenty minute walk home today: 4.3 miles! And a good shower, and some tasty fake chicken patty, with cheese, and a handful of multi-grain chips. Lots and lots of water too.

Later, Ross is gonna grill some feeeesh! And we’ll have green beans.

All right, now I might go work on something.

-Nisacara

So, I've clearly been off track with this whole losing weight and eating healthy thing for about three solid months now. Lots of little things set me off, and bit by bit I lost my resolve.

I stopped eating meat for a while; that took away my tasty fish dinners.
I got a bit depressed; I stopped caring about what I was eating.
I stopped tracking my food; I probably ate too much and too little on any given day.
I started getting scheduled for work on days when I used to go visit Nicole at work; I didn't replace my walking-time anywhere else.

So.

I'm back on track starting today. Ross felt pretty bad about hurting my feelings over something stupid on Saturday, and took me out to dinner at Chopsticks, his treat. So I picked chinese comfort-food. I was just going to get white rice and veggie lo mien, but we hadn't been out there in... probably since last summer maybe. So we were like "oh man! let's get everything we love." So dinner was wonton soup, some fried wontons, white rice, veggie lo mien, a peking ravioli, and 3 sushi california rolls. Plus, he told me I should see if there was a drink I wanted; so I got a virgin strawberry daquiri. Didn't finish it, but had most of it. Drank lots of tea with sugar, and water.

And the next day, we swung into KFC on the way to work, got a popcorn chicken and some mashed potatoes.

And for dinner we had the leftover chinese.

And uuuugh! I think that's what I really needed to kick my ass and make me realize how crappy I've been eating. Not entirely crappy- like that was an EXTREME! I've been eating pretty good. Getting veggie sandwiches at lunch with Nicole, pb&j for breakfast. Eating whole wheat chips for a snack. Out to eat for Paul's thing on Friday, I got a side salad and split a turkey sandwich with Dani.

But still. I need to not.

So I logged into SparkPeople. And it killed me that I should weigh about 165 lbs right now and I weigh 191. I didn't even make it a full ten pounds back when I was doing SP the beginning of this year. I gave up when people started to notice that I was losing weight. I HATE that I ALWAYS do that. And I tried so hard this time, too, to not let that get into my subconscious. But it did anyway.

So I'm gonna try NOT telling everyone I know. Because even though that helped a bit, it meant that those people were watching me, waiting, noticing. Commenting or not commenting. And that totally got into my head.

Last week, I went out to the club and danced all night. I walked home from work Saturday. A nice hour and twenty minute walk. I need to make this kind of physical activity part of my daily routine.

And yet, I don't like leaving my house. I wish I had a back yard, so I could go run around back there. Or a pool to swim in. I want to go for a walk, but I don't want to see people right now. ::sigh::

Stupid, stupid insecurities. Why can't I just be normal, huh?

Anyway. I'm gonna go maybe do some stretching and take a shower and get ready for work. 5:30-10 tonight.

Oh in other news, I haven't done like any writing. Graaah!

-Nisacara

I was bored last night, so I made a cover for FS.

It's been a long time since I did that, and it's not entirely bad. It looks about... 60% professional. I used the pic of Jacqui that I'd thought looked like a book cover, so that at least I have some kind of version of it as a book cover. Though, Jacqui looks hardly anything like Daphne, and would make a much better Cristina. Also, I overlaid it with feathers and then faded them, which is probably more appropriate for Callie. Ultimately, this could have been the April Fools cover I was going to make back in March and say it was what Medallion had made before they ditched their YA line, that would have led into the cover contest.



If I were going to really use it on the site, I'd need to soften the text, and maybe sharpen the feathers. But overall, it's kind of pretty. I wouldn't have loved it if Medallion had shown this to me, but I wouldn't have hated it like some of the covers I saw for their YA stuff. ::shudder::

Sometimes I feel like I've given up. I've hardly managed any writing at all this month, probably because three out of three people who read UWS confirmed my belief that it was of the major suckage and in need of some massive editing. Which, you know, is okay, except that I am IN the massive rewrite, and I was hoping to make it BETTER, not need to undertake yet another rewrite.

Blarg.

-Nisacara

It is so irritating having fake conversations with Amy. But if I block her again, she'll notice, and then probably freak out on me, and get all "waah, why are you blocking me?" And that will just be more irritating than getting IMs where she's obviously waiting for me to ask her how she's doing so she can talk and talk and talk.

I'm so sick of it! She only IMs me like once every 3 or 4 days, and it's only to talk about some book I have no interest in, and how many words she's written, and what she's doing. It's like... my god! I've never met anyone who needed to talk about themselves so much before. Everyone wants to talk about what they're up to and how they're feeling, but she like... I dunno. Needs to do it to remember it seems. Cause I can't think of any other reason to keep IMing me when the conversations are so flat and one-sided. Or maybe she simply doesn't notice that I respond in one-word answers most of the time when she's talking about her writing.

I mean, I don't get it. I tried asking the other day to read what she had of a story, and she brushed over it. So I get that she probably doesn't "trust" me, which is retarded. Her latest books have been half-way decent because I tried ot help bring out the idea of a villain. I read the coming book and the past two and I see my fingerprints all over it; remember conversations that we had over dinner where I gave her the fucking ideas.

And then I look at my stuff. And I see like... maybe one spot where I have to thank her for her in-put.

It's ridiculously unfair and lopsided, and I've long gotten over that. It just never ceases to amaze me, since I've tried so many times to get her to read for me when we were dating, so that she could help me the way I helped her. Not in a "payback" way, but in a "I really want your input" kind of way.

I know I'm not the best when it comes to reading other peoples' stuff these days, and I blame that entirely on myself and my past experiences with crappy writing. I want to be able to be there, though, for my friends in a creative sense. Maybe next time someone asks me to read for them, I'll tell them to mail a hardcopy to me. I seem to do better reading offline, even though I used to read online fanfiction for hours and hours and hours.

All right. I must be off. Need to find a ride to and from work tonight. ::sigh::

-Nisacara

So, the kid I like at work? I totally weasled his IM out of him. ^_^

He asked if we could switch shifts on Sunday; he's working in the am, I'm not in until 4pm. It's Cinco de Mayo the day before... Needless to say, one of the things I'm NOT attracted to about him is that apparently drinking is like his second job or something. ::sad sigh:: Anyway!

So I tell him that I'll have to ask my ride if that'll be doable. He says, okay, just let me know by tomorrow night. Otherwise, he just wouldn't go to the party.

Now... I have to weigh the factors here:

Good:
-One extra time and a half hour than I was gonna get
-Out at 3 means I have the rest of the evening to myself
-He would then "totally owe me"

Bad:
-Waking up at 8:30 am
-Working with Lisa my whole shift, right after she's gotten back from a vacation (could go either way: excited to talk about her vaca, or miffed she's back and thereby grumpy)

So with this weighing, he would REALLY seriously owe me cause I HATE working with Lisa. But I *really* think this kid is cute. ^_~ Double-edged sword on this one.

Anyway!

So, at one point it occurs to me that all I have to do is TELL Ross that I'm scheduled for 9 am and that Lisa isn't back until then, so there's no arguing it. At that, if he even calls me on "Don't you not start until 11?" in the first place! So I at this point could just say "You know what? I can do it. I'll just tell him my schedule is at 9."

Do I? No.

What do I do instead? I say "Hey, do you have IM? Cause when I talk to my roommate tonight, I could drop you a message and let you know."

Sure enough, he thinks that's a great idea, and I totally score his screenname. With that knowledge, I was able to find out that he's apparently really, really into music (a search on google of any hits of his sn), and can like play guitar, drums, keyboard and bass. o.O Which is pretty impressive, since I'd only known about the guitar before. I also approve of his taste in movies (since he lists among others "Snatch", "Underworld", and best of all "Blade". ^_~

If only this kid wasn't four years younger than me and totally into drinking, and I was about 30 lbs lighter, I'd probably attack him! I work with two of his best friends, and one of them says he's a little weird, especially when he gets drunk. And that he's never had a girlfriend, that he "doesn't know how to act" with girls. Which makes me sad for him. :( Cause he is too cute and talented to not get chicks!

We'll see where things go. I hinted to the friend that I thought he was cute and talented, and he said I should date him, and I didn't expect that. So I basically was like "Nah, it wouldn't work", which was stupid stupid stupid of me! But then the friend was like "You don't know until you try". So we'll see if he's as big a gossip to his friends as I've heard he is, and if my hinting gets anywhere. Cause I totally did that on purpose. ^_^ But what I should have said was "I don't think I'm his type" and then I would have been able to know if I had any kind of chance! Of course, who knows what his type is, considering he's never had a girlfriend/is majorly awkward with girls. I've entertained the idea that he's gay, but he hangs out with a group that is comfortable with that, so I think he'd've expiramented by now. Who knows.

He probably is, just because I like him. Hell, Ross pings even my gaydar so what does that say about *my* type? heh

-Nisacara

So, Amy ...is weird.

She's been able to talk to me all day today, and mostly just IMed me with random ...I guess internal monologues that got spit out through her fingers as she was writing. Normal stuff for her.

And now at like 9:30 at night, she tells me that she had something to tell me, and I totally knew it was that she was seeing someone. There's that... "way" people get when they need to tell you that. You know?

And while it was okay when I found out about her date before on her birthday, and now a few minutes after it's been told I'm okay, it was still weird at first to actually get it from her.

So apparently she's been dating this girl since mid-March. She's Jewish, president of the jewish club (The Hillel?), and in Amy's Classic's Club. She lives about as far away as I did, but down one road rather than on the highway. Her name is Mandi.

::shrug::

I guess the weirdest part is that they went on their first official date mid-March. Which means the girl had to have been in Amy's life longer than that. And we broke up mid-January. So it's like... she met the girl and basically fell for her. Whatever. That's usually how it happens, anyway.

I dunno.

I guess ultimately I'm glad. 'Cause now she can go be with someone else. She didn't date anyone between the two times we dated. Granted, neither did I. And I don't know when I'll next end up dating, so whatever.

Still. Strange. Kind of hollow feeling but not in that "you ripped something beautiful from me" kind of way, just the kind of way you feel when you... don't know what to say anymore. When suddenly the relationship you had with someone completely changes.

Kind of freeing, frankly. Cause now I can just... go about my business and not worry that she's gonna be hung up on me. Not that I thought she would be, but that selfish part of me clearly thought it. The realistic part knows not to bother. The only reason she probably dated me in the first place is because I was close to her, open to dating women, and there was no one else. I am that person that people wait for "something better" to come along before dumping.

Something I was talking about with Lois the other day: I'm going to be more forgiving to people. But they have to have the cajones to ASK for that forgiveness first. Then, with quiet and careful deliberation, I'll likely grant their request for forgiveness.

No, that has nothing to do with the above. Just remembered it, that's all.

Who knows how long this will even last, after all. Then again, maybe a gay Jewish dork is exactly what Amy needs. So long as they don't get artificially inseminated and have children, I'm fine with that. I bet someone else would have less issues with sex than me; and I bet a Jewish girl is ALL ABOUT playing the dominant role. ^_~ Oh! Burn!

Sorry.

...

No I'm not. ::grin::

But, seriously, that's one of those issues with dominant/submissive stuff: the submissive is ALWAYS the one in charge. And I am way too controlling to relinquish that kind of power. heehee

So in the end: Good for you, Amy. I hope you have fun.

-Nisacara

First: Lois! Hope you're have a good finals week! Or did, if that was last week.

Moving on.

Had another 5 second conversation with Amy today. It's not even worth posting because it was like "hi i'm only here for a few" and I said "yeah, cause that's so unusual" and she was all "life gets in the way of being online" and I concurred, and then she was all "now i have to again, bye." Not in exactly those words, but that was the drift of it.

I'm feeling kind of angsty but not at myself- I mean, a little at myself- but mostly at myself for not being strong enough to change who I am. The angsty comes from my upbringing and my parents. I'm really, really, really mad at my mother right now that she never let me do anything- and especially that she didn't encourage me to do things, like go out to parties and MEET people. Honestly, where the hell did she or my father expect me to ever meet one of these "evil boys who only think about sex" to eventually marry and give them grandchildren? I think they had their brains out of whack most of my life. Very mixed messages.

But basically it boils down to this: I have no idea how to tell people when I find them interesting and attractive, and that I'd like to have more excuses to talk to them. If that wasn't enough, I don't find myself worthy. Not like "Oh man, you're better than me" not worthy but like... I look in the mirror and go "Yeah, no" not worthy. I'm not attractive enough to even entertain the idea of someone potentially being intersted in me on a physical sense.

Which is a lot of why Amy and I were doomed. Cause I know that her thinking I was "beautiful" was fourth on her list. My being intelligent was first, and I think my sense of humor was second, and then some form of how caring/whatever I am was third (and loathe as I am to admit it, yeah, I am extremely caring to people... I care about, so, yeah). She didn't like make a list, but when she told me the reasons she liked me towards the end of thigns, that was the order.

But anyway, even with Amy I wasn't like... I dunno, show-offable. I WANT to be show-offable for whomever I might be with. I want that for whomever might like me, because I want their friends to, if not be jealous, at least be like "Good for him/her- this girl's really pretty." Because your physical presence is the FIRST first impression you get to make.

Anyway. I don't have much on where I'm going with this. Just that I wish I could go to fancy high-rise NYC dinner parties and get "introduced" to people, and fall in and out of relationships all the time so that it wasn't a big scary thing anymore. Cause once it's not scary, it'll be easy and maybe even comfortable.

But the biggest problem is my own self-esteem and lackthereof. I'm crazy confident and outgoing when I want to be, but ....yeah. Flawed. Fat. Ugly. Ugg. Hate it. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I look SO nice. And I wish that I could capture how I look and transmit it out at all times so that people saw me looking nice all the time. Not perfect, but nice. It's only these small moments, where I look at myself and think I'm not as bad off as I could be, but I know that most people don't see them. Most people see me at work. And that's not a great place to give a first impression at all.

I don't know. Feeling human-contact lonely. Wishing I was stronger. Wishing I could just walk into some club, pick out some cute guy or sexy girl, drag them off, and make out in a corner before taking them home.

But that's no one I know, that "me". Cause I'd hate myself for being like that, that kind of a slut. I just wish that maybe for once in my life I could feel like I deserved something beyond friends. It made me really disappointed with myself that, if I hadn't magically ended up in a relationship with Ross, I bet I NEVER would have ended up in a relationship with a guy, and would still be a virgin in that regard, and never just.... know. I'd probably think I was a lesbian still. Because I just hold guys up on a higher pedestal than girls; and girls I hold to a higher standard... and usually that standard is skin-deep. Cause I'm that shallow. ::grumble-sigh::

I should just go back to writing the vampires. They distracted me from my romantic-relationship emptiness well enough once upon a time.

-Nisacara

So as I mentioned to Shannon earlier today when we were out to dinner- yay!- I re-added Sean and Amy to my buddy list. Just because I didn't feel like being totally bitter any more. I didn't want Sean to put in the effort to be miffy with me. And when I found out Amy had gone on a date on her birthday, it didn't hurt. So I figured I'd open that door and see where it goes. Granted, the door is open and I'm like, in the other room. ^_^

It took her probably 4 or 5 days to notice me. Tonight, this was our first conversation since I removed her from ONLY my AIM list on ...wow, apparently it was February 26th. So about two months of ZERO contact:

Amy(9:46:36 PM): She's online!
_me_ (9:46:42 PM): hey there ^_^
Amy (9:46:44 PM): And here I am getting offline, but, hello there!
_me_ (9:46:48 PM): heh of course
_me_ (9:47:15 PM): just got the internet back a couple of days ago (<~~~~ LIE! It was like a week ago.)
Amy (9:47:21 PM): Welcome back
_me_ (9:47:24 PM): thanks
Amy (9:48:47 PM): Okay, yeh, I've really got to turn in... stayed home sick and ended up playing Kingdom Hearts all day, and now my eyes feel like they're going to explode
Amy (9:48:57 PM): But good to see you :-) Talk to you soon
_me_ (9:49:00 PM): all rightee. sleep well.
Amy (9:49:03 PM): night
_me_ (9:49:07 PM): indeed. until


What is with people and these types of convos? ::shrug::

I've been having the same kind of convo with Sean too. He keeps IMing me and saying hi, hello, blah blah boring stuff. Mostly again conversations where he rants (notice how Amy also had actual sentences and mine were mostly two word answers) and I give two word answers and say bye.

So it's been interesting. And I don't feel like "god i hate you!!" to them as *people*. So it can stay superficial and that's fine by me, so long as no one wastes any thoughts, feelings, or effort on the other one to be mad at them.

Cause I'm just tired of it. I have good reasons to hate the things I do, but I also have no need to go out of my way to make them think about me and "why isn't she online? she's ALWAYS online!" So... the best way to make them go away is to not let them know I'm not really back for them, in their lives. And... I'm pretty comfortable with them. Calm and collected. It's a very serene feeling.

That said, I need to figure out what this RANCID smell in my apartment is. I'm thinking a pipe burst because it smells like some guy sat in the bathroom for an hour. If you catch my meaning.

-Nisacara

Forgot I had this. No, that's a lie: forgot I wasn't updating it.

I'll post big long ranty things later. I've been posting in my author livej mostly.

::sigh:: My head hurts.

I've been thinking too much lately, and angsting, and being kind of ...pathetic.

I really wish I had a good friend who was out here who I could see often who DIDN'T have a fiance. Cause love Nicole as I do, Paul is the most important person in her life, thus it makes it difficult to try to pull friend-rank on him. ^_^

But... yeah, you know. I miss having a best friend, who I was their best friend. I used to have this happen all the time when I was younger. In fact... I can't think of a single person except maybe Jill who I was their best friend and she was mine.

Vanessa had a best friend.
Michelle had a best friend.
Maria had Elaine.
Sarah might have been, but I wasn't "allowed" to hang out with her because she was "weird". ::rolls eyes:: So that couldn't have worked.
Jennie O' had Nikki.
Liz had Jesse.
Jen*... was never my best friend.
Jill... it might have been, but again, same like with Sarah. My mother HATED Jill with a passion.
Shannon has Adam.
I'm pretty sure that Isaac and I were never exclusive best friends, and anyway, Liz came into that shortly. And then they started dating. Awkward!
No one at college.
Ross had Pete and Jeff.
Nicole has Paul.
Paul has Nicole, and beyond that Jeff.
Lois is in Omaha, and has Tyler, and if not Tyler, I'm sure someone else.
Shannon still has Adam, but also- more importantly- has Joel.
Jill transferred over to Jennie O', despite that no one is sure if Jennie O' likes to DO anything.
Liz, after being dumped by Isaac, essentially came crawling back, but... always has a boy: this years model is called "Jim". I think he might stick around.
Fen and I hardly have time to talk these days- and I know for a fact she has plenty of friends ^_^
Mattdiva? He has Jojo.
Amy has Jesse.

And so here I am. No one's best friend. At least, no one that I know of, and definately not exclusively.

It really makes me sad and pathetic, and all self-pitying emo-kid. But there's no one out there who I care "the most" for that cares back the same way. I guess it makes a lot of sense why people date, cause it makes it easy: you WANT to spend all your time with that person, and you share everything about who you are with them, and you're both actively interested in the other's life, goals, dreams, and day-to-day routine.

Man.

It's been a long time, but I haven't thought about that fact. That I don't have a best friend. Blah, you know what I mean. I surround myself with acquaintances, and friends, and good friends, and best friends. But I have no one.

::yells for Grant, so's can steal his emo-notebook::

Dani just asked me what's up, and I told her I was being angsty and emo-kid, and she was like "well that's different". And I had to laugh. It's like... you really don't know me that well, do you?

So I gave her the whole having "undiagnosed (but "runs in the family") depression. has "high emotional needs that are not often met by her day to day life and interactions with people. interacts with people through her intelligent world rather than her emotional one so that she isn't disappointed when her emotional demands are not met" spiel that the psychologist people decided way back when my mother got me tested to figure out why I couldn't remember simple tasks two seconds later, and seemed incapable of getting my homework in on time (I. was. bored.). But... not really sure what that has ot do with not getting my homework in on time.

I mean yeah. I DO interact on an intelligent level and not an emotional one. If I could interact on an emotional level, I'd probably have more friends. But as I interact on intelligent levels- a realm where I am "comfortable" because I'm "secure" in my intelligence, again from the psychology people- it means that most of my friends are intelligent (yay for you! ^_^ I've deemed you intelligent heh). But it's like... ugh. I am disappointed by people. I am disappointed by myself. And I am continually seeking approval from the most intelligent people I know, and look down on those who aren't as intelligent, and I don't know how to make it stop.

I just wish that I could call someone up and be like "Can you come over here and hold me?" But there's no one. No one I'm comfortable with. No one I'd want to impose upon like that, even if they were nearby. I'm not comfortable with Ross even. He pulls me into leans, when he's watching tv, but it's like... routine. I don't mean it. You know?

Blah.

Wasn't Grant bringing me his notebook?

::goes off to find it::

-Nisacara

I’m gonna put this under a cut, cause it’s that pointless that it’s not worth taking up space on my journal.

( Read more... )
And that was that.

I promptly re-removed him from my list later that night. Giving the appearance that I had signed on and then off. I may re-add him at some point in the future just to see if he IMs me. I wish that you could add people and be like “hide me to this person, but not to this person”. As far as he knows though, I probably got on IM for a few hours. I never update in my deadjournal anymore, and since he wasn’t exactly close to me then, he might have assumed I gave up on it.

Anyway, yeah… Really bland conversation. Most of you know me: I’m a chatterbox. So the fact that he did most of the talking says a lot. Also, I think he may have just been thinking of me in general, if he had just come down for two days to Boston.

::shrug::

I’m half tempted to add him and Amy back on for random couple of hours at a time to see if they IM me but I don’t feel like paying that much attention to what I’m doing.

Work tonight 5:30-9 (seafood), Weds 5-10, Thurs 5:30-9 (seafood), Sat 11-5.

Haven’t worked much on UWS. I’m kind of at a place where I don’t know where the characters are headed. I know where they are- point A- and where they have to end up- point C- but point B is like “downtime, do what you want. I’m not in charge.”

Grant was going to take Callie back to his place and meet Jemand, but I’m not ready to take her there yet, since a few chs later she has to go back there with him and fall asleep cuddled up against him on the couch. Maybe they just go for that walk around the river that I cut out, and Jemand can show up, what with Grant being gone longer than he’d planned…

Okay, gonna make some pb&j and get some work in before I go to Seafood. Yay Seafood!

-Nisacara

Just got a myspace message from Sean of all people. It was just like "was cleaning up my myspace, was wondering if I should take you off or not. this is my IM."

We'll see how this goes...

-Nisacara

Why is no one on? Blah! I have finished ch11- and I want a reader. :(

Schedule for the week:

Sun: 12-4 (I guess I'll walk home if it's not too bad out)
Mon: 5:3-9 (I think? Seafood)
Tues: off
Weds: off
Thurs: lunch with Nicole, 5:30-9 seafood
Fri: off, lunch with Nicole, gaming
Sat: ...5-10? I think. Definately Deli though.

So... That gives me tonight, tomorrow night, Mon-day, all Tues, all Weds, Thurs-day, Fri-day, and Sat-day to work on UWS.

But my head's so fuzzy right now. I think I'm like... lacking in something, some necessary vitamin or mineral or something, cause I've felt this way for a few days now. Or maybe I'm sick.

I was supposed to go to lunch with Shannon today, but I think that either she's dead or I miscommunicated something. But my alarm, which was set to go off at 9:30, never went off. I woke up around 12:30. o.O I hope I wasn't supposed to meet her at the Subway, and Shannon, if I was, and you waited, I'm sorry. :( I was asleep. Even though I went to bed early so I could get up okay.

Then, I was supposed to go to my Aunt's at 1. My mother called at 2, asking where I was. I told her I was getting dressed- which I was- and that Ross was going to take me when he went to work. So I got there a bit after 2:30.

It was awkward. Definately not awekward.

I have no idea who Jake is. ::shrug::

And I really don't like the woman who my mother is. I definately like Auntie more. Auntie's waaaay more down to earth. And about 100% more loving. My mother is pretty... selfish. Like, just her habits were selfish. I know she was up to visit, but she... I dunno. There was a moment where she was like I dont want to eat your pizza, I'll wait for Dave's (Auntie's husband), to Auntie, because she doesn't like a certain thing on it. The rest of us tried to convince her to try a bite. Like, I hate onions, but she used carmelized onions, and it was REALLY good. I had two pieces (which was probably like... 2/3rds total of a regular sized slice heh). I even offered a bite of my piece to her, and she was like "No. No." shaking her head like she was a child.

I was disappointed.

I mean, it's something like that where, even if I didn't LIKE it, I'd try it. Especially if I knew it was probably hurting the feelings of this person, who is important to me. Then, if I didn't like it, I didnt like it.

Later, after Dave's pizza was out and not as good as she was expecting, she tried Auntie's and she liked it. ::rolls eyes::

I watched Jake and Harrison play for a while. At one point, Jake hit his head. Harrison and I clearly both saw that Jake was about to get all "waaaah! I hit my head! Pay attention to me, and dote upon me, for I am the angel-child and should never be in pain!" and jumped all over that, being like "What'd you do? Hit your head? Shake it off. You're fine. Get back up." And Harrison was good with like laughing, but in a good-spirited way, and helped him back up. I could tell that Jake was used to people reacting very differently.

Heh, and a few minutes later, Harrison was on the swingset, on one of those swinging handle-bars? And he was trying to do it one-handed. I looked away to see what Jake was doing, and heard a WHOMP! and looked over. At first there was this moment of OMG! HE FELL ON HIS HEAD! but it quickly passed, even before I could react. Because Harrison was laughing. He rolled over and was like "I fell. I was trying to do it one-handed." I told him I thought he'd landed on his head; he said he had. ^_^ But he was fine. I mean, yeah, it just takes hitting it the wrong way to be paralyzed, but kids are resiliant. I think mostly, too, he did a belly flop into the sand.

And Jake was climbing up the playset, and I didn't hang onto him. He kept looking to see if I was there. So again, gave me the impression that normally other people do it for him.

At the end of things, my mother left before I did. And it really upset Auntie, just like it had the last time she left. :( My mother doesn't understand how much Auntie loves her and misses her. Auntie's a tough chick, doesn't let a lot of people see how much things really affect her most of the time. I guess, like me. (Except when I'm in this journal heh.) I know that Nanny will be upset too, when my mother and Jake leave on Monday, but for now they have been staying at her house.

But yeah... I was sad for Auntie being sad. And as Auntie and I were talking, waiting for Nanny to pull the car out of the driveway so Auntie didnt have to say goodbye AGAIN, we heard Harrison talking to Dave, and he had this really sad tone. He was sad too, but not really emotional, just like sad to see them go and wishing that the kids still lived nearby. My sister Ashlyn had been his best friend; Auntie told me that he still rememered the last thing she had had to eat the last time he'd seen her. How sad does that make you? :( I mean, adults don't understand sometimes how much the things they do really impact the children in their lives.

I remember moving away in the summer of 2nd to 3rd grade. I was devestated to leave all my friends. I remember, too, when Emma Commeau had left in 1st grade. Adults just seem to have forgotten how much they were affected when people left their lives, but were still "out there, somewhere."

It makes me really sad for Harrison, and for Preston too, who won't have cousins around. They have me, and Bean and Lau, but we're a *lot* older. As fun as it probably would be, we're not going to be dropped off to spend the night watching movies, and have a sleepover, and play pretend, and go exploring, and color, and make up whole worlds as only cousins can. Cause there's something about that common bond, of being related, that makes it like "Yeah, you already know me."

And at the same time, I'm also really sad for my siblings. The girls all enjoyed Harrison and Preston; and like I said, Ash was Harrison's best friend. That means that Kathryn, Ashlyn, Shaelyn, and Jake are all right around the right ages to be friends with and play with them. They're all alone down in North Carolina, with no family, no family friends, just each other. And sooner or later, they're going to learn what it means to be a Lavalle. And they're going to have no one to turn to, because part of being a Lavalle is being poisoned by your mother to think that you can't trust anyone, and that anyone you do trust will tell her everything.

They're going to learn that their mother is selfish and judgemental, constantly worrying about what others think of her and how her children reflect upon her. They're going to learn that their father stops loving them as soon as they're no longer entertaining and he actually has to put some effort into their developement, and that he'd rather yell or hit than hug and ask what's wrong and try to help them through what they will see as "really big tough moments" in their lives.

They're going to learn why I ran away so much when I lived at home, and why I ran away for good at 18- granted, assuming they even KNOW I ran away. I can't begin to imagine what kind of political spin my mother put on that one.

::sigh:: I hadn't meant to write this much about this. I was hoping to just put "Saw my mother today. ::shrug:: Meh." but clearly that's not how I feel.

The whole fucking family is coming up in June for Michael's Eagle Scout ceremony. I do not want to see my father. I could care less about Michael and Danny at this point. (Oh, I tried my hardest to weasel out of my mother that Dan doesn't live with them anymore, that he's in a boarding home, but she just ducked and evaded. ::shakes head:: "Everything's great; everyone's great; everyone loves it there." You'd say the same thing if I was there too, wouldn't you, whore? If we'd moved there when I was Jacqui's age, I guarantee I'd've hated it. Especially since I'd've left behind the first set of friends I'd made since before we'd moved to Chelmsford.)

I DO want to see Jacqui, and Megan. I have no feeling one way or the other on the rest of the kids.

My biggest problem is... well, how Auntie reacted at the end of it today. Knowing that... there they go. Out of our life once more.

I don't want to have to see Jacq and Meg and have to watch them go away again. It's not fair to put myself in that kind of a position. I said my goodbyes last July. As far as I'm concerned, it'd be better if I never saw or heard from any of them ever again. Really, it'd've been easier if a comet had hit my old house, because then there wouldn't be any lies left.

So who knows.

I'm just seriously not in the mood to fight those old fights anymore.

At the very least, my mother's first comment to me was that I looked good and "Have you lost weight?" She mentioned it a few times later, about "Look how good she looks" after I told her, why yes, I have. 20lbs in fact.

And her and Nanny talked about my hair for a little; Nanny kept touching it ^_^ I miss her doing that. I have this knit camoflauge hat (I think it was Shannon's first) that I really like wearing, especially since it flattens my hair down and accents the red tint. Since Nicole recently cut 3 inches off my hair, it's all straight and healthy, and it is shiny, and the color's nice, and it looked even more red than it really is against the green hat and green shirt.

I also looked rather pretty today. I mean, my own opinion here, but I really liked how I looked. I told Ross that I looked good enough to face my mother. I had the hat, a long-sleeve v-neck green sweater-thing (it's thin, not a bulky sweater, and it is pretty form-fit), and a black fleece vest. Simple black fleece-y pants, and the knee-high stilhettos. I wore two simple stone necklaces (my turquoise, and the new tiger eye one I have that hangs higher), three rings (both pinkies had poison rings, left was purple, right was black; my left thumb had my pewter one with the purple stone). And my make-up was just right: dark red-purple lipstick with "rhubarb" lip shimmer (burt's bees stuff; tastes good) and a thin edge of green eyeshadow accenting the tops and outer edge of my eyes. My skin is clear and pale today, and looked porcelain-like.

I really liked what I saw in the mirror, even though I knew it wouldn't take too long for things to settle out of place. That's okay. I went in knowing I looked good, and I think that thought stuck around.

It's sad knowing that I'm like my mother in that regard, that I worry about what people think about me, and how I look. Not all the time. But... well, if you knwo someone is judgemental, wouldn't you want to dress up as nice as you can since you're only going to see them for a few hours, so that they don't have too much fodder to judge you on?

Yeah, I feel like that's how I live my life. "Don't give them too much to complain about, because they will."

::sigh::

Anyway, I think I'm done with this for now.

If anyone can read for me tonight, let me know. I'm gonna take something for my head, drink more water, and see about waking up. Cause I feel like I'm asleep.

-Nisacara

Ch11 is DONE!

And I managed to sneak the romance-y aspect in there even when I thought it was going to be pushed to ch12. Woot!

And Callie is officially the strongest female I've had an MC in a long time. She is all like... standing up for herself, and being an active role in... well, her life, even if it's not the plot. haha And she's not all "zomg, sex!? blush blush!" Cause I HATE those characters. (Yes, Danica Shardae, I'm looking at you. And DON'T EVEN give me that "But it's my cultural upbringing" bullshit. Your creator made you that way, and it's just so 1950s family sitcom.)

Also, the manuscript is over 100 pages now! Only about 150 more to go. I'm closing in on the 25k mark. I figure there's probably about 35k left to go.

I have work tomorrow 11-5, then gaming. Then maybe dying my hair? Maybe not though, cause I shouldn't spend the money. It's frivolous.

Then LUNCH WITH MY SHANNON! At 11:30ish on Saturday. Then 1pm to Auntie's to see Auntie, the boys, my cousins Kristine and Lauren, my godmother, potentially my grandmother, and my mother and Jake.

Then home.

So I can next work on UWS on Saturday night. I will dive into ch12 and we will see where it goes! Callie's supposed to end up heading back home by the end of it. But she's really set on a birthday cake at the moment.

-Nisacara

I worked out for 2 hours today, with Ross and Nicole at the Bally Fitness Center in Lowell. Which used to be like a TJ Maxx or something.

Anyway, we walked, then jogged, then I was like "holyhell!" and just walked. Then Nicole and I went to the machines and worked legs, then arms, then the three of us went to the raquette ball court. Ross and Nicole did forms- I tried to do handstands. I managed to twice! I tried to do headstands- which I used ot do all the time.... yeah no luck. Those floors HURT your head, man! I used to do them on the ground, which is much, much softer. ^_^

Then I just sort of moved around for a while, running about the room, doing old-remembered dance moves. Then had Ross re-teach me the first tae kwon do form, Chon Ji... he's not a good teacher. He just made me mad.

Then we went upstairs again (oo! "Money for Nothing" is on the radio! Yay!) and worked abs. Ross is OB-SES-SIVE with those.

Nicole and I stopped after a little, did stretches to cool down, and then did some yoga. I learned a variation of the Sunrise Salutation. That was cool.

As soon as we were out, Ross was texting the fif--- sixteen year old like crazy. ::rolls eyes:: It's like he or she wants him to make sure she knows where he is every single moment of every single day.

I'm really glad that this doesn't hurt me as much as it used to. I said something to Ross about "Why don't you just call her?" cause he'd been texting her back and forth for 20 minutes. And he was like "Cause I dont want to be on the phone with you two in the car."

He SAID he meant it like "that's rude" so I said "you never bothered before worrying about being rude" because he spoke it as if "I dont want you to hear my intimate conversation with this underaged sluuuuut." Minus the slut.

So finally he was like "Whatever I do, you two will give me shit about it. So I prefer to do it this way."

And *I* said "I haven't given you shit about it in a LOOOONG time."

And it was SO true. ^_^ I HAVEN'T! He said nothing else after that. But I have been much more... "whatever" about him. I care about him, and sadly always will, but at least I'm letting him make his own mistakes now.

We all then came home here and had some tasty dinner of chik'n strips, and broccoli and cauliflower in cheese sauce. It was all frozen, so it was quick to make. And really good. But that was at like... 7. And I am hungry again. So I should eat something.

Ross is spending the night in Winchendon. Tomorrow, he and Nicole's teacher from TKD is being promoted to Master degree. ^_^ He really deserves it. He is awesome.

I wrote a little already today. But I need to do more.

Which requires sustinance.

But the point of this post was I worked out today. I'm feeling it. But it was good.

I wish the gym was down the street, cause... I don't have a car. ^_^ We're hopefully going again on next Tuesday, since Nicole and I have 8 day trial passes.

Food now.

-Nisacara

I checked Amy's board a moment ago. I haven't been there most of the day today, despite being free to do what I want today because I had no other required things to do.

It disturbs me that she has a new kitten. I want to go rescue it.

SHE HAS ENOUGH PETS ALREADY!

She has a cockatiel (who WILL NOT be happy that it has to compete for love), a skink that she hardly ever bothers with, and several fish TANKS including one large salt water one.

She never bothered with the cat or the dogs much. They were *around*, and she seemed to like having them there. But since I've known her, as far as I can tell, she keeps her door closed at night. Meaning: no pets sleeping on her bed. The bird stays in her room in his big cage. How will she ever have enough time to give him several hours in the morning, keep him out and about while she works on things, and then play with him at night when there's now a kitten?

Also- doesn't she GO TO SCHOOL? What is this poor kitten doing while she is away? It's a KITTEN. It needs attention. I worry about this kitten's development.

Auggie is happy as a solitary cat, but he still misses Bean, I can tell. Not necessarily her, but having someone to play with. He plays with me some, and wakes me up at weird hours, which were normally when I would hear him and Bean running around the house chasing each other. He'll be really happy when Zoe and potentially also Louie are his housemates. (Once he gets over being really mad about it.) But I knew when I got the cats that I would have rather had two cats than just one, since I know I can't provide the attention they need and having a friend is much better than not.

She... ugh!

She goes to school most days! She is going to neglect one of those animals, and my guess is the bird, plus also neglecting the cat while she is not home. Unless she's making her family do her job for her and having her sister visit during the day.

Something about the fact that she had to schedule time with me once a week/every two weeks makes me wonder how long she'll be able to go neglecting the cat or bird. Granted, they live with her, and will be able to squawk about it in person immediately.

My god.

Ugh!

And the name? "Prince Chivalry or Chivis." I know Auggie isn't exactly normal... but "Prince Chivalry" just sounds dumb to me. I am not sure if it's the Prince title or the word Chivalry being used on a cat which bothers me more.

::sigh::

God why do I bother to read these things? I really need to just like... block her from my memory. I wish the stuff in Eternal Sunshine was real. But I'd rather be able to like... change memories. Maybe I could make the memory a bad break up where neither of us ever wanted to think about the other again, and then I wouldn't feel compelled to check in on her.

::kills things::

I'm going to go to bed now rather than try to edit or write. I have to be up and out of here by 10:30 for the gym. Then lunch with Nicole. I think I'll switch back over to turkey sandwhiches from Subway instead of tuna. They're a little too filling.

I want to go spend a year in Europe. I wish I didn't have to save up to do that though. Maybe I could get a visa? I bet it costs a lot of money I don't have.

I bet Amy will do it first. >:| Stupid girl with her stupid "old money" life.

-Nisacara

So I was procrastinating writing today. I loaded the dishwasher, washed the bathroom mirror, sink, toilet bowl, shower edge. I cleaned up the random pieces of paper on my desk.

And in there, I found all the bill stuff I still need to pay.

So I called around, trying to get in contact with the right people who can get this bill from the ER dept gone. I left the appropriate messages where needed, and have the info for the center that's supposedly supposed to be getting me health care, but they are "experiencing high volumes of mail" and means I might not get this taken care of on time. ::grump::

Anyway, I called the people who I only have a $200 bill with. I tried to get to an extension I was told to call, but the lady had gone home for the night. A man helped me instead.

And he was *so* totally flirting with me. ^_~

He was like "Why don't you get a job here? You're born in 82. I'm in 80. You could get a job here." And then he said something about it being in Nashua, and I was like wow I'm moving there in July. He said, yeah? I live in Lowell. I said, I grew up near Lowell. He said, well, take care of this bill, then get a full time job here, and call my extension, here it is, my name's Peter Smith.

lol

It was amusing. ^_^ And reminded me that people- guys- often say I have a sexy phone voice. heh

I have the following outstanding bills:

Verizon - 265
MA Electric - 50 (I thought I paid it all off a long time ago)
Credit Card - 2200
Nashoba Medical Center - 735
Physician's bill - 200 (minus $25, cause I'm on a payment plan to have it paid off $25 at a time)

So! I'm mailing out the $50 I owe for MAE, and then I'll mail $50 for VZ, and then $50 for the credit card.

It'll set me back some in my savings, but at least I'll be on the road to recovering my credit.

Then I'm paying rent.

Then I'm putting the rest in my savings account and not touching it.

I should... go take a shower. Then write.

I have tomorrow all off. I think Pete is coming over to play Magic tonight. So I might not get much done with writing. Tomorrow, Ross and I are going to his gym. I'll have the rest of the day to myself.

I walked home from Subway. Bought a foot-long tuna, so I had breakfast, and will later have the other half for dinner. Lunch doesn't exist apparently.

My mother is visiting this weekend. I'm seeing her on Saturday. I'm going to wear the outfit that makes it the most apparent that I've lost 20 lbs since she last saw me. I'm probably gonna need Nicole's help with that.

Work schedule:

Mon: off
Tues: off (gym)
Weds: 5-10 deli
Thurs: 5-9 seafood
Fri: 11-5 deli (gaming in the evening, my day for food)
Sat: off (Mum at Auntie's)

I'll hopefully be getting a close to $200 check this Wednesday. That'll be a help, since I've BEEN getting like $120.

I really need more hours. ::sigh::

-Nisacara

http://kryslavalle.livejournal.com/38808.html

HUGE pet food recall across the US and Canada. Please take a moment to look over your pet's food and pass the links in that entry along to people you know.

-Nisacara